Again.

Enjoy.

Now :-)

Thank you to my cousin’s wife, M. S., for making us aware of this video.

What I realized in the past few years is that there is little to no knowledge about how things should “go” like when a non-Muslim is invited to a Muslim’s place. This post is for those that are interested in doing everything “correctly”. Actually, there is no right/wrong here as one shouldn’t expect that from each other, but for the culturally motivated I’ll try to be as precise as possible. Please note that much of what is written here is written from an Afghan standpoint but as Muslims from all over the world share common aspects in their cultures it also applies to others.

First off, and you might already be aware of that, many things we say are about making you not feel bad or embarrassed and making you feel taken care of and comfortable. So sometimes you might run into your Muslim friend, maybe even close to his house, and you chat for a while and then, when it’s time to part, he asks you to join him at his place for a coffee or have dinner with him and his family. As you’re close to his place and basically “in his hood” he will feel obliged to invite you over and be a “good host”. He will insist, with very convincing arguments, and try to persuade you and you might get the feeling that he’s serious about his offer.
Well, he’s not.
While he might not mind having you over at his place at that very moment the real reason why he invited you over is because certain complex and unwritten rules in our culture and our genes identify him as a host (which in fact he is not, as he met you outside). Those of us that have not spent their entire life in a different culture than ours and are not integrated or even assimilated will project a responsibility that they’re only supposed to execute among their own people on others as well.

At times this might go uncomfortably wrong, as the following real-life example explains:
A relative of mine moved to the U.S. and got his first job, as a taxi driver. He grew up in Afghanistan and was at quite a mature age when he moved to the U.S., a culture not very well-known to him. So he picks up this American guy and drives him to his destination. During the trip they talk about this and that and the entire atmosphere becomes very friendly. When they reach their destination my relative tries to be polite and declines to charge the customer what he owes him. Afghans usually start those friendly phrases with “be my guest today” which is nothing but politeness and not meant seriously. Well, the American, unfamiliar with Afghan/Muslim culture, takes the offer seriously, gets very happy about it, thanks my relative for the free ride and leaves.

Alright, so back to your invitation.

So now you made it into your Muslim friend’s house. Apparently the offer was meant seriously, meaning: you declined about a thirteen-thousand times but your host persisted and wouldn’t accept a “no”. The rules here are simple and probably not very different to those in other cultures:

Before you leave check your clothes. The more conservative your host’s family is the more conservative you should dress. This is usually no problem for men, unless you’re Scottish and prefer wearing a kilt in your spare time, but it is a bit more complicated for females: no sleeveless shirts, no cleavage, no mini-skirts. Try to show as little skin as possible whereas many Muslims in the West nowadays don’t feel uncomfortable anymore if the female guest wears pants (obviously) or a skirt that covers at least her knees and if her shoulders are also covered.

Little gifts are not unwelcomed but do leave the booze at home. Don’t bring any wine, beer or anything else that is alcoholic.

At the door you will be greeted by your counterpart. If you’re male it will be the man in the house and if you’re female it will be his better half. Depending on how conservative they are/aren’t both of them might be awaiting you at the doorstep to welcome you.

You may greet your host as you always do but as a man don’t stretch out your hand to the females. Here, again, depending on how conservative the family is you should wait and see if she stretches out her hand to you. Cheek-kissing a female, as a male, is not cool so don’t try that. If you want to impress your host big time you may place your right hand at your heart while you greet the females, ask how they are doing etc. and always keep a little bit more distance than you would if she wasn’t Muslim.

When you enter the house take your shoes off. Don’t ask if you can leave them on, just take them off and if your host doesn’t mind you running around his house in your shoes he’ll tell you to leave them on. Be persistent about taking them off and mention it at least two to three times. If your host still insists on you leaving them on then you’re free do so.

Do you see a pattern there? Yes, it’s all about back-and-forth. One party declines multiple times, the other party insists, multiple times. Whoever is serious about what he says will “win”. It always works out, there is no deadlock here. Never happened.

Once the actual invitation is taking place things might get a little more complicated.

As a male guest you’re pretty much restricted to staying in the living-room whereas females have more freedom in moving around the house.

In the conversations do avoid topics and jokes of ambiguous nature, especially if females are around. Don’t comment on the beauty of any females in the house as that will be taken as a grave insult to their modesty and the male host’s dignity and honour.
Feel free to talk politics. We love that and we’re all experts and know-it-alls in politics ;-)
Don’t mention the war (every Muslim knows or has experienced a war that he can talk and brag about), unless you’re on our side ;-) and don’t be insulted if discussions heat up. They often times do and nobody takes them personal.

At dinnertime we will try to stuff you, so you better be hungry. Don’t be afraid of not eating or trying something if you seriously don’t like it or are allergic to it. You’ll notice that, on the second invitation, whoever cooked the food on the first invitation will have memorized what you like and what you don’t like.
During or at the end of the dinner feel free to ask for recipes or for any of the food to be wrapped up so you can take it with you. We love that as the happiness of our guests with the meal we prepared means a lot to us, so special attention will be paid to that.

When dinner is over and conversations are ending, or not ending, you will notice that nobody tells you to leave and nobody makes any allusions for you to leave. You will notice that no Muslim will ever tell you to leave his house. I repeat: you will never be asked to leave and the host will never declare it to be late (meaning: “get the hell out”). As a guest it is your responsibility to call it a day and ask to leave. Actually, you don’t have to “ask” but in our, Afghan, culture we always end such evenings with words similar to “with your permission blahblah we will leave now as you might be tired as well blahblah and our kids are at home alone and blahblah”. Just make up anything, it doesn’t have to sound 100% realistic. Just don’t wait for your host to end the evening, that will not happen and you will see yourself sitting on his couch at 4am in the morning with him trying his best to keep you entertained and… comfortable.

It might sound awkward to you but the reason why many of us try not to attend your events is because of you, not us, drinking alcohol. You might be wondering why we care about you drinking it as long as we, the Muslims, don’t. After all we’re not doing anything that goes against our religion, right?

Almost.

The problem is that we’re supposed to stay away from things that are clearly forbidden, „Haram“, to us. We’re supposed to stay away from temptation and anything else that is considered going against the teachings of Islam. Even as kids we’ve been taught that those things are not good to do so those memories and thoughts are deep inside us.
Secondly there’s the cultural aspect. As Afghans we’re overly protective of our spouses and children and we don’t want them to be around people that are drinking or acting in any other way that goes against our religion or culture. Even if we do attend your events, as sometimes it’s inevitable or it would be absolutely impolite not to attend them, you will often times see us coming over by ourselves, without our spouse, and leaving after a short while.
So it’s nothing personal. It’s not about not wanting to be in your company or not wanting to „hang around“ but about us feeling uncomfortable in an environment that, since childhood, we’re taught is considered „Haram“.

Living in a western society this leads to a bunch of problems to some of us. I don’t attend some of the industry get-togethers because during those events people drink beer. I have skipped every Christmas party my employers have invited me to. And I skip the yearly joyride-boat-trip-thing that a former colleague keeps inviting me to since… years.
Simply put, they’re all not compliant with my upbringing and I feel uncomfortable being there. Still I feel bad about turning down your invitations as I know you mean it in a good way.

Before all of this sounds like a bad excuse let me stress again that we do appreciate the fact that you do invite us and that you do want us to be around you. We have been trained to keep those little pleasantries in our memory and in our hearts and to not forget them.

The least we can do is tell you honestly why we can’t attend. I think in the past I’ve been pretty honest about that to my non-Muslim friends. Good explanations, how awkward they may sound, are always better than a bad and obvious excuse.

First published in Arman-e-Milli Daily, for now we’ll assume the following list has not been faked.

1. By convening a Loya Jirga Afghanistan should veto establishment of US permanent bases in Afghanistan. Instead, Pakistan will put pressure on Taliban and other armed oppositions to cooperate with Kabul and stop resistance;

Fair enough.

2. US is losing its influence in the region, so Pakistan, Afghanistan and China should form an economic bloc in the region to make China a superpower in the region;

Left India out of the equation?

3. The influence of resistance fronts [the forces who resist Taliban] should be weakened in the Government;

Sure. Let’s not forget who armed them in the first place.

4. The number of India’s political offices in Afghanistan should be decreased;

What about yours?

5. Baluch tribes of Pakistan who are currently operating inside Afghanistan should be expelled from Afghanistan;

Why?

6. The tribal elders from cross-border areas should be invited to the Loya Jirga;

Need official representatives in Afghan-only matters? Yes, they’re Pashtuns and we consider them Afghans, but seriously?

7. TAPI gas project should be only between Turkmenistan, Afghanistan and Pakistan and India should be expelled from the deal;

Seriously?

8. Haqqani network should be represented in the future Government in Afghanistan;

Why not involve Lashkar-e-Toiba in a future Pakistani government?

9. Afghanistan should regard the views of Pakistan in appointing its defence, interior and intelligence chiefs and;

Why don’t we just appoint Pakistani generals? Or why don’t you just take care of that for us?

10. Afghanistan should officially recognize the Durand Line in the Loya Jirga.

Not even the Taliban went for this one and this has been one of the main reasons why Pakistan has been involving itself in Afghan matters throughout the last 30 years.

I also found the lyrics and made some corrections to the transcription. Here you go…

Maa Kho Baraan Ka Che Waregama Pe Khkulee Mekh,
Bya Me Janaan Ka Che Gerzegama Pe Sawee Makh.
Za Kho Zaaregam Qurbaanegam Dagha Shondo Rang,
De Yaar Sara Me Ka Malgaro Delta Shoma Tang.

Ooh Qaraara Raasha… Ooh Qaarara Raasha
Ooh Qaraara Raasha… Ooh Qaarara Raasha

Wrek Sho Ghamoona Che Khkaara Sho Dagha Khkule Mekh,
Bya Gham Taaza Sho Che Pana Sho Dagha Storey Mekh.
Ke De Ashnaa Kem Jorrawema De Khoboono Mahal,
Ke De Pradey Kema Da Ghama Ba Rekhtoono Mahal.

Ooh Qaraara Raasha… Ooh Qaarara Raasha
Ooh Qaraara Raasha… Ooh Qaarara Raasha

Ze Kho Ghani Yem Armaani Yem Dagha Shondo Jaam,
Ze Kho Maftoon Yem Lewaney Yem De Janaan Pe Naam.
Ze Kho Khatir Yema Meena Ze Pe Speena Krrem,
Ze Ismail Yema Meena Ze Pe Weena Krrem.

Ooh Qaraara Raasha… Ooh Qaarara Raasha
Ooh Qaraara Raasha… Ooh Qaarara Raasha

Maa Kho Baraan Ka Che Waregama Pe Khkulee Mekh,
Bya Me Janaan Ka Che Gerzegama Pe Sawee Mekh.
Za Kho Zaaregam Qurbaanegam Dagha Shondo Rang,
De Yaar Sara Me Ka Malgaro Delta Shoma Tang.

There’s also an English translation available but the two verses are missing…

Turn me into droplets of rain so I dribble the pretty face,
Then coat me with dearness so I wander around the baked face.
I adore and love the crimson layer on her lips,
And I seek the company of my friends for I’m world-weary.

O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!
O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!

Begone are melancholies as the angel face rears it’s head,
And when it subsides back, melancholies rejoin.
(missing)
(missing)

O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!
O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!

I’m “Ghani” for I long for the goblet of beloved’s lips,
I’m “Maftoon” for I break through sanity for the sake of my love.
I’m “Khatir” for my love is pure,
I’m “Ismail” for I love with my dripping blood.

O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!
O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!

Turn me into droplets of rain so I dribble the pretty face,
Then coat me with dearness so I wander around the baked face.
I adore and love the crimson layer on her lips,
And I seek the company of my friends for I’m world-weary.

O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!
O serenity, embrace me! O serenity, embrace me!

My friend Cem has written a blog posting on how he’s trying to reduce his visibility on social networks. I haven’t been worrying about those things much because until now my “strategy” was to only publicize what I feel comfortable with making the rounds on the Internet. So if I comment on what’s wrong about the Taliban, Israel or the new Afghan government then it’s my right to do so and I feel comfortable about it. But the problem about information is that its meaning unlocks with the context it was publicized in. My statements taken out of context may easily be used to convey a picture of me that depicts me of either a Terrorist-hater, Terrorist-lover – or whatever else. While I don’t care about that much I do care about what I have control of.
Taking control is what this blog posting is about so please take a look at the evolution of privacy on Facebook and you will see a clear path that I would not describe as an evolution, but a degeneration. An evolution is considered as a development into something better but this is not what I see on that picture or on this picture. I can’t and I won’t take my blog offline as this is an area that I have full control of, but I will reduce my visibility on social networks, starting with Facebook. Weeks ago I have deleted some of my personal information there and I will consider taking the family pictures, although shared with family members only, offline as well. There’s just no more trust in Facebook.

In a second step I will be deleting some of my Facebook friends. Family members and people I have personally met will be on Facebook and business contacts will be on the Salam Business Club, LinkedIn and of course XING. I will stay in touch with the rest on Twitter or wherever else I have met them. This is in no way meant as a personal offense to the deleted friends but as a way to organize my presence on social networks and to share personal information only with those that I have a personal relationship with. Setting up visibility restrictions for every single message, picture and other pieces of information is not only cumbersome but due to the complexity inherent to Facebook literally impossible.

I hope you, ex-Facebook friend, understand my intentions and, again, don’t take this as an offense. In fact I recommend everyone to do the same thing. It’ll make you feel much better about Facebook and your privacy :-)

… and here’s a small version of the Double Coffee’s logo (a trademark of Double Coffee company) – sorry, I couldn’t find a larger one:

I’d be interested to find out what they have in common with Rahman Baba and what they will do about all the Afghans in Hamburg that have started stealing table mats from Double Coffee stores that have Rahman Baba’s picture printed on them? :-)

Pakistani soldiers enter a building and interrogate the male residents, asking for information on the Taliban. They don’t get the answers they’re looking for so the head of that group orders his subordinates to beat the men. The men are begging for mercy while they get kicked, whipped and hit everywhere but the soldiers are ignoring them and keep on torturing them. One of the brave soldiers shows his female side by pulling his victim’s hair. The most gruesome part comes at the end, when an old man is beaten up while he’s begging for mercy for them to let go of him and screaming “Ya Allah, Ya Allah”.
In war times torturers and those that commit crimes often try to play down their guilt by claiming they were ordered to do what they did but if you have a closer look at the soldiers in this video you will see that some of them really enjoy what they’re doing.

Two of the four beaten men are elderly men that could be your or my grandfather but torturers are not exactly known for their sense of honour so they ignore their pleas for mercy. I’ve been harrassed, blackmailed and chased through Peshawar by the Pakistani police myself so I can tell you one thing: stuff like this is very common over there. In Pakistan, when people speak about the police, they don’t call them “cops” but “dogs”.

Make a right-click here and and choose “Save as…” to download the Video.

The thoughest part was making sure the pages are implemented in a fashion that makes it possible to apply a different CSS and language file to it so the complete content, text and writing direction changes. Once that system was set up we provided the translators with three different methods to translate the content: using a backend translation system, inline-editing of words they see on the site and the old-school way of translating the texts from within an Excel-sheet and importing them into the system.

Kudos go out to Max, Dmitri, Amit, Jayawant and Pankaj for all the technical stuff and Ayla (Turkish), Eman (Arabic), Hossein (Persian), Nasir (Urdu) and Saloua (French) for the translations. Our biggest thanks goes to Eman who had the toughest job as she was the first translator and she probably had to spend more time beta-testing than translating the site. Her invaluable feedback paved way for the other translations. In case you’re looking for professional translators get in touch with me and I will connect you to those highly recommended folks.